As I sit down to write this, the endless chatter in my brain goes mute. Summarizing the most transformative years of my life…how do I even approach that? For once, the open-book girl who couldn’t keep her mouth closed even if she tried is dead silent. 

I guess I’ll start by telling my past self this: you are enough, you always were, you always will be, and that’s nothing that needs to be proven. You have so much love to give, so many tears to shed, and so many lessons and blessings to experience. You’re worth it, and you mean something to other people. No amount of short-term validation through scores, running times, leadership positions, or college acceptances could ever amount to truly understanding that on your own. It took me so, so long to understand that.

Upon entering high school, I took punches left and right, and honestly, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I can’t get mad at myself for decisions I made that didn’t exactly lead me down the right path because at the time it was what I wanted, and what I wanted when I entered high school was to feel a sense of love and belonging. And because I couldn’t give that to myself, I set out to receive those feelings in unhealthy ways. Whether that was through undereating, overworking my body during practices, or constantly comparing myself to other people to the point where I would only feel better if I found a way to put them down. In seeking validation from numbers on the scale, numbers on the track, or numbers in my grade book, I would try so hard to seek fulfillment in anything but myself. And this brings me back to not regretting all those punches; some of the lowest lows of my life brought me a sense of self-awareness that guides me through so much of what I experience today. 

As I spent so much time chasing numbers and titles that I thought would “be the solution,” I never once thought to take a step back and recognize what it meant to invest in my well-being. As it, unfortunately, turns out, getting a PR in the 5k, earning good grades, or getting into college doesn’t validate you as a person and make all your problems go away. It might validate how you think others will view you, but I can say from firsthand experience that your image won’t bring you happiness and fulfillment the way your immigrant parents stress it will. 

On the topic of what other people think, here’s something else high school taught me: stop taking advice from people who haven’t achieved what you’re after. The older you get, the more you realize how adults are flawed too. They might have good intentions and think they know what’s best for you, but simply don’t have the experience to tell you how to live your best life, only you do. Straying away from the expectations of your loved ones is difficult, but not as difficult as reflecting back on a life you didn’t live for yourself. Cheesy to say, I know, but when you’re young and scared and crave stability it’s easy to forget that. 

Regardless, there is no possible way that I would be able to reflect on my high school experience without paying tribute to the coaches, teachers, counselors, teammates, peers, dear friends, and family without which I wouldn’t be in the position I’m currently in. Thank you, I love you, and I can’t even count the number of days I’ve woken up solely hanging on by the thread of your endless support and encouragement when everything else just felt like it was falling apart. Thank you for bringing love and comfort into my life when I couldn’t myself; thank you for making my heart feel full, but most importantly, thank you for your presence. And to my fellow seniors: carpe diem, everything will fall into place.