I’ve never been good at things on the first try. 

Whether it be my first time taking a math test in freshman year or trying to apply to college in senior year, I often find that the outcomes aren’t always on my side. I think about what gets me off the ground is thinking about the grand scheme of things. In a few years, nothing I’ve done in high school will be that important in comparison to what I’ll be doing then. 

With that mentality, I get the freedom to do stupid stuff for the sake of being stupid. After sophomore year, I finally achieved the ability to stop caring about everything and realized that I am an old man with a very limited pool of energy. There’s no need to expend so much effort in doing things I don’t care about. I started getting back into art seriously, trying out writing, internships, whatever I felt like exploring during certain periods of my life. I even dated a girl, and now I’ve found out I’m queer, now stuck in an unfortunate cycle of quietly loving people whom I don’t think are physically able to be attracted to me on all sides. It sucks. 

Even then, I was still screwing up. I didn’t understand how to use art tablets, I lost track of deadlines (Sorry editors!), and I didn’t save an application I completed and ended up not applying. I’ve messed up paperwork, classes, tiramisu, relationships, and everything else under the sun. And don’t get me wrong; it’s not like I’m ignoring my mistakes (and not like my parents would let me). I pride myself on being the best at making myself feel terrible for messing up.  

I’m sure a good majority of us anxious kids have the self-deprecating voice that likes to verbally abuse us whenever we make a mistake. It’s completely unforgiving, demotivating, and knows where to hurt you the most. Even in senior year, I can’t completely escape from it. Strangely, it’s become a part of me that I’ve learned to live with. It feels more like a predictable nagging voice than a verbal beatdown now, which is great progress for me. Plus, I surround myself with some pretty great people who are my safety net in case I spiral too hard.

Protip: Friends are great for your mental health! I know. Crazy, isn’t it?

So here I am senior year, glad to finally be free from the world of high school. I think I’ve got a lot of things down now. I have someone I can call a best friend and a group of friends that I enjoy being around who are chasing their own dreams while I chase mine. I’m going to college, and I have plans on how I want to spend my time in college to make more steps towards my next goals. I’ve got a cool fish bag with my favorite sperm-and-egg pen I stole from my job. I’m still dipping my toes in random interests I have and have started to actually make money from art. I’m successful; I’ve done my best!      

If I’m going to be honest, I’m still fumbling through things. I won’t stop making mistakes and trying out interests I have. Goodbye AHS; not sure if I’ll miss you because I definitely don’t want to go through you again, but I’ll cherish the memories I’ve made. I’m going to try to hit the ground running in college; see you later Class of 2021 and beyond!