Dear Future Me,

I’m 18 right now, about to graduate high school in a few days. The past few weeks have been a bittersweet panic of studying for my last AP tests and coming to terms with the progressing cancellation of #snrszn. I don’t know exactly how to feel. Every day, fear, excitement, confusion, joy, and so many more emotions flood my brain as I look back on the moments that have led me to where I am today, and the path to the rest of my life.

It’s terrifying to think that this chapter of high school has come to an end, especially given the strange circumstances for the past few months. It’s unbelievable to think about all the things I didn’t realize were my last: eating lunch with “Operation” and laughing so hard it physically hurts, cramming for another Chambers with Unit 2, saying “Hola Senora!” to my lovely Spanish teachers or jamming out to country music in AP Statistics, and the daily feeling of security and comfort as an AHS senior. Looking back, I’d be lying if I said that my heart isn’t feeling some kind of regret for all those times I took for granted, and the times I didn’t use to live life to the fullest. Yes, I’ve finally made it to a place I looked forward to for the past 12 years, but I can’t help but ask myself if it was really worth it. If I could go back, would I change things? Would I be willing to give up a day of studying or working to spend and cherish the time I had left?

The funny thing is, I don’t have an answer. Who does?

However, I do believe that reflection is beneficial for oneself. When I first moved here, I took it really hard. I had trouble opening up to those around me and discovering my identity and values. I’d moved away from all my friends and everything I had ever known up until that point, and even today, I still remember the lonely recesses and awkward conversations as I desperately tried to find a sense of belonging in this new environment. Furthermore, it’s no secret that academics were a challenge throughout it all. On one hand, there was a constant pressure as the oldest sister, first-generation Asian American daughter, and AHS student, to strive for nothing less than perfection. On the other hand, my body was screaming for a break in the midst of those study nights that lasted until 5:00 a.m. and the endless thoughts of how I should be doing better.

Again, I don’t have an answer to this either. I’ve definitely managed to improve my skills and gained a greater sense of who I am over the years, but it’s nowhere close to perfection.

At the end of the day, this isn’t some inspirational message or lovey-dovey story, but more of a realistic insight on the journey I’ve had so far. It’s been a crazy rollercoaster of ups and downs, and while I recognize the hardships, I am also so appreciative of all the good. I’ve found a wonderful group of hilarious and incredibly kindhearted friends who have stayed by my side to this very day. It feels amazing to be in such a supportive friend group that always wants the best for one another and will go to great lengths for each other. I’ve been able to learn from some of the best teachers who not only shared their academic knowledge with me but also profoundly shaped my perspective on the surrounding world. I am so grateful for all that they have done, and I truly hope they realize that their continuous compassion and dedication isn’t unnoticed.

To Future Me, I hope you’re happy with wherever you are in life right now. I hope you’ve finally reached a place of self-satisfaction and confidence to the point where no one, not even your own opinions, can undermine your validity. Maybe you’ll look back and laugh at the fear and uncertainty as I do when reminiscing at my younger self. Perhaps you’ll travel around the world, learn to forgive yourself and others, and see the beauty all around you. Regardless, I sincerely hope that you grow to live without regrets and make your mark on the world.

Perhaps, you’ll even have an answer to this.

Love,
Josie